Barely Breathing
by EK
Summary: HR oneshot. Using the song of the same name, thoughts five minutes before the duel to end the series. Hope you like.


Hiya. My name is EK, and this is my second attempt at writing for GW.  Spoiler warning for those who haven't seen everything, because I'll be using the end of the series.  

Dedicated to CardCaptor Hikari and my favorite spaghetti boy, although I sincerely doubt if he'll understand this, sorry  ^^. If I have dismal grades again, this is one of the reasons.  Yes, sir, I do get dismal grades.   

"Barely Breathing" by Duncan Sheik.  This fic probably works better with Paolo Santos' version of the song, which is slower and more haunting.  

……………………………….

I am here, standing in front of Zero. My mind is made up.  I am going to meet him. I will put an end to all this, if it means I have to give up my life for it. I will stop this senseless war myself. I will stop it by killing its commander, once and for all.  I will fight him, until he is dead, or I am dead, which ever comes first.  

I had rescued her myself. I am grateful that she was rather silent during the trip. I don't know why I did it; it just felt that I had to. I know I could not live with myself if I did not do it. I don't even understand why she followed my lead without questioning me too much. Maybe, she is just like me, still confused. She is still confused about what she wants.  She wants to keep her brother alive, but she also wants to keep me alive.  Why, I do not know.  

I was entering the cockpit, when suddenly, you came. Calling my name. In that particular way that she has, slowly, deliberately pronouncing each syllable. 

 I do not understand.  Many people, allies and enemies, call me by that name, the code name I was given. But when she calls my name, the world stops for an instant, and all that is real is her.  

She has tears in her eyes.  She suspects what I am about to do.   

She asks me where I am going, so I tell her.  I am off to kill, not just her brother, but also his plans to eliminate the Earth for his victory.  

But the tears. They are not for him.  Her eyes are piercing and searching……..mine.  She is worrying about me? Why? 

I know what you're doing, I see it all too clear

I only taste the saline when I kiss away your tears

You really had me going, wishing on a star

But the black holes that surround you are heavier by far

Why is the chief ambassador of peace, the most important proponent of unity, concerned about the deliverer of war and death?  Too many things are at stake if she dies.  In her hands lie the future of all mankind! After the wars have ceased, people will need a leader of peace, and she will be that leader.  Why should such an important person, be concerned about me?  When everything is said and done, I am just a soldier, like many others, a life that could easily be replaced. 

I know that she does not understand her feelings, either. I had threatened her life more than once, and still she is drawn to my, well, my basic existence.  She does not know if she wants me alive or she wants me dead, I could see it in her eyes. My life is a burden to her, but my death will be a pain to her. Our opinions about almost everything are polar opposites; I contradict her in everything she decides. She should be happy I am going, and not coming back.  But she is not happy.  And………I don't know why………I do not want to leave her.   

I believed in your confusion, you were so completely torn

Well, it must have been that yesterday was the day that I was born

There's not much to examine, there's nothing left to hide

You really can't be serious if you have to ask me why

I say goodbye

There is no other option left but this.  I have to go meet him, and finish this final mission.  She does not have to ask why; she knows why in her heart. I guess, she just wants to hear it from me, and she wants to talk me out of it.  And she does try, to talk me out of it. Why does she even bother, I wonder?  

'Cause I am barely breathing

And I can't find the air

I don't know who I'm kidding

Imagining you care

And I could stand here waiting

A fool for another day

I don't suppose it's worth the price

The price that I would pay

Whatever she thinks about me, I have to do this for the ultimate good. Whatever she might think, I am doing this for her.  She should not suffer any more than she already done, because of the people around her. Whatever she might feel for me, she will soon forget them, when I am gone.  Her affection is not enough reason for me to stay alive. It is, however, reason enough and to spare for me to continue this mission to its completion.   

Everyone keeps asking what's it all about

I used to be so certain and I can't figure out

What is this attraction? I only feel the pain

There's nothing left to reason, and only you to blame

Will it ever change?

Most of the people around me know that my weak point, probably my only weak point, is her. I had all intentions of killing her directly, more than once, but something in me always stopped me from doing so.  I even protected her from danger, without me knowing why.  And it is not even because she is a wonder to look upon.  I suppose, her courage, inner strength, and belief in the human being spoke to my innermost conscience, the thoughts I would never allow to surface if it were not for her.  

'Cause I am barely breathing

And I can't find the air

I don't know who I'm kidding

Imagining you care

And I could stand here waiting

A fool for another day

I don't suppose it's worth the price

The price that I would pay

……but I'm thinking it over anyway

I'm thinking it over anyway

Suddenly, she makes me think of why I am doing this.  I place her head close to mine, and I take in the beauty of her brown eyes. I try to tell her again. I try to say it slowly. It is all for her. I do not know why it is all for her, but it is.   

Nonetheless, I know, she thinks otherwise. She wants to keep me close to her, away from danger, away from the fighting, away from the inevitable. 

I've come to find

I may never know

Your changing mind

Is it friend or foe?

I rise above or sink below

With every time you come and go

Please don't come and go

I will not admit it to anybody, especially to her, but her every decision concerns me as well.  Even in the moments when I contemplated ending her life, I find myself wondering what she is thinking at that moment. Is she worrying about others, too much that she forgets to think of herself? Is she thinking about the future? Is she………thinking about me? 

Her mind did not change much about me, anyway. Whether I was fighting for her side or against it, when we meet, all she asks is about me. When we meet each other, it always starts with her, calling my name, that particular way, slowly and deliberately pronouncing each syllable.  It is the first time it has happened to me. Another person is concerned about me?  Impossible.  Illogical.  But true.    

I am not sure what she feels for me.  I know, that she is one of my reasons for still being alive today.  So I take a final look at her distraught eyes, pleading with me not to go.  I close off her headpiece, then I smile at her.  I ask of her only one thing, the one thing she has always done for me.  

Believe in me.  

I push her away to safety.  

Now I am sure of what I am fighting for.  I am fighting for the world that is to come after I have completed my mission.  I am fighting to keep the peace she has fought so hard to keep.  I am fighting, to keep her alive. And I just might stay alive, and come back, to see her again. 

'Cause I am barely breathing

And I can't find the air

I don't know who I'm kidding

Imagining you care

And I could stand here waiting

A fool for another day

I don't suppose it's worth the price

The price that I would pay

……but I'm thinking it over anyway

I'm thinking it over anyway

I smile at her as the cockpit closes in on me. I know I am not mistaken in this mission.  She believes in me.  That is enough.  

I must be crazy, I know, to think that she actually has feelings for me, the way, I think, I have feelings for her that I cannot explain.  I am foolish to go on a mission to the death, inspired only by the courage of a young woman. Without facts, without complicated plans, without masterful strategies. But I will not try to analyze it anymore.  

I know what you're doing

I see it all too clear

………..Goodbye, Relena.    

……………………………

The work of roughly two hours, trying to gain steam for studying.  Thank you very much for reading.   ^_^  I actually like Duo over Heero, but I understand what people see in the guy.  ^^  


End file.
